Note:
The prelude to this story is my previous article ‘Loneliness’. Thanks for all the comments and emails some of you have sent to me, they’re really encourageous. For those who haven’t read it yet, be sure to do so! Reading it can help you better understand a few ‘terms’ that I used here such as the ‘feeling of loneliness’ and ‘the sweet loneliness’.
- A Letter To Those Around My Age, 21 -
To my friends, especially those in UMS and all my former schoolmates,
Let the story begin…
Both of us had known each other for a few years; a nice girl to mix with, and very well behaved, she’s a quiet person, but no one can deny her beauty. I had not failed to expect to see her at ‘a place’ we usually went to and, if I saw her, I would do everything I could just to catch her attention and say, “Hi!”, and then start a conversation, even a short one would suffice. One day, in that place, there she was passing me by in front of me; I was sitting, observing her as she was walking away from my seat. She was heading home. “Oops!” Something dropped to the ground, and I just couldn’t turn my sight away from her as she was reaching her hands down to pick it up. Afterwards, to my surprise, she turned and looked at me straight into my eyes, I didn’t shun away; we’re all by ourselves in a small little space with a glass door separating us – no one was around to distract us, and this time we had an eye-to-eye contact, without talking to each other, for quite a while. I didn’t know how she felt and what she was thinking, but as for me, I felt very excited inside my heart, though I appear not to be, and thought ‘I think I’m in love’ at that moment before she went home. Truly, these feelings and thoughts were intense… indescribable.
After that, I pondered on my life, and a feeling of loneliness crept into my heart, troubling me. I immediately whispered something in response to it.
“Father in heaven, I know you said that there’s a season for everything under heaven. Now, tell me, can I start a relationship with her? In Jesus’ name I pray… ”
A funny prayer, isn’t it? But that’s a ‘kind of’ prayer many ‘young men and women’ are praying about, is that not? Anyway, it was morning as I prayed that prayer, and that very night I went to the youth gathering as usual. (At that time, I had become a Christian for not more than half a year – I was just a ‘baby Christian’.) So then, my friends and I listened attentively as the pastor spoke on the topic of ‘Music and its origin.’ Half-way through the talk, the pastor, after looking up for a moment as if he was interrupted, switched the subject to ‘Boy and girl relationship (BGR) – Dating and/or Courtship’, giving a short but stern reason before doing so. This was the reason and the way he said it,
“There must be someone here who is troubled and is asking God about BGR. Now, listen to me, you… don’t be foolish! Never be involved in a BGR before graduating from the university! During campus life, you must mix with all kinds of friends… but never be involved in any dating or courtship!”
Pastor Tamil in his Personal Sharing
This was of course obviously irrelevant to ‘Music and its origin’, but then he went on sharing with us all about BGR, advising us and telling us from stories to stories, and we youth were always very interested in such stories. Now, I did not tell my pastor that I had prayed the above mentioned ‘funny’ prayer, and he also did not notice that I was trying my best to keep the tears in my eyes from flowing while I listened to him – I was touched and very much alarmed in my heart! (My pastor, unless someone had told him, does not know about this until today.)
As for the ‘feeling of loneliness’… I say goodbye to it. It is but a lie of the devil, should it trouble me to the extent that I think of all sorts of evils – immoralities, rejection, lack of confidence, impurities… etc. However, now, as I look at it positively, I realise that it was a deep yearn inside my heart that drew me to call out, “Father in heaven,” and then came the sweet loneliness – I wept as I went back home alone that day. Oh… the tangible Presence of the sweet Holy Spirit - the sweet Heavenly Dove!
Today, I am still keeping in touch with that special girl. I know the boundary I should set - just friend - and I must test everything before I decide to start a relationship because relationship, I believe, does not depend on feeling alone.
My personal opinion on finding a girlfriend during university
Dear friends,
Why do I share this? While I don’t have the experience eligible to suggest that the urge of dating should be resisted during the campus life, I just can tell you that God cares for every one of us. Well, this is what I want to say,
While I was in my teens, and still a baby Christian,
while I had not yet grasp who God is, just knew that I can call him Father,
while I was not sure who holds my future, wavering in my mind, ‘is it I or God?’,
while desperate as I was I tried to find the meaning of life, and I tried many ways,
while I tried to answer the question ‘what am I looking for in my life?’ – while I was still struggling to make a better decision out of the good ones, while the things I wanted to do, I found it hard to do, and the things I didn’t expect to happen, happened,…
At that moment I asked him, “can I start a relationship with her?”
he replied me, whose heart was touched by his tangible Spirit, who confirmed the message of his servant, my pastor, with just a simple answer, “No.”
He forgot about my sins, and just replied me like that, showing me unconditional love… All this is because of the Good News. Thank you, Jesus!
While truly I have all the right and will to say, “I wanna find myself a girlfriend,” I surrendered myself to the feet of Jesus instead,
and obeyed him, oh… how urgent and important it is to obey when you know and are sure that the mouth of God has spoken!
Now, about 2 years later as I’m already in University Sabah Malaysia,
after much knowledge instilled in me as I keep growing in Christ Jesus, my Teacher,
Only then I realise – I’m not at all ready yet to have a girlfriend.
Oh… I was about to step out and start dating her! Oh… what if I didn’t obey after God answered my prayer?
That prayer is no longer funny now… It’s life-impacting for me!
What can I say, friend? “Finding a girlfriend” seems to be a big and important issue for me personally. Yet personal needs are secondary to the plan of the One in whom everything is made perfect. Human will can be good and pleasing sometimes, but it is never perfect by itself. On the contrary, sometimes it even hurts. I don’t know when will I be ready to find a mate and marry her, though I could plan about it. However, a living principle that I hold on to is:
Do not be conformed to this world, but continually be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you may be able to determine what God’s will is — what is good, pleasing, and perfect.
Paul of Tarsus - [The Letter to the Romans; chapter 12 verse 2]
This world says to me, “If you do not date one partner during university,” often with a ‘wondering why’ manner, “you’re just so traditional, don’t you think it’s boring?” or it may trigger me to get worried, “don’t regret then, you would have missed the greatest opportunity given in the campus life.”
Well, finding a girlfriend now may seem good and pleasing to me. But I know my will cannot be perfect unless it is in line with God’s. What is the will of God for me, then? To be frank, personally, I don’t really know much yet – just a few (in other areas, though, not BGR). But, generally, everything is written in the Bible, which is Word of God. Say for example the above quote on Paul of Tarsus in his Letter to the Romans, try to read on the rest of chapter 12 and you’ll know the general will of God, which will direct your mind to look at the right perspectives and priorities – to know what is perfect, being guided by God’s Perfect Spirit in Jesus Christ, his Perfect Son.
Finally and most practically
So friends, what can I do now? Read, listen, understand and do the words of God ministered to me – practise what has already been made known… everyday! Growth is a process, and God’s will for me in my personal life shall be revealed by his Spirit, not too early and not too late – at the exact time, not only about BGR, but also in every other areas of my life, according to his precious and wonderful promises recorded in the Bible. You can’t have any other thing more exciting than to do the will of God. What about… my girl? They say campus life is the best opportunity wooooooooo… Well, be friend first, NO DATING YET for me, I’ll draw a line – just friend… even after graduation when I’m in my workplace… until after I examine myself (and her, of course) thoroughly… Then baru saya tengok ada ‘feeling’ atau tidak lah! *Grins (Note: Feeling comes after the words we receive, believe and hold on to in our heart. I always find myself becoming unstable and emotional when I emphasise on feeling instead of words. That’s why you and I always hear some Christians saying repeatedly, probably without ceasing, “Believe in Jesus and you’ll be saved,” because Jesus is called the Living Word of God.)
“Marry your best friend (till the day you die).”
Pastor Chris Kam - [DUMC’s Floodgates Magazine: Issue 44, page 19]
I don’t know how about you, friends, but are you willing to ask, “Father in heaven,… in Jesus’ name I pray,” and wait on God as you keep doing the words ministered to you and continually discover his general will first? If you are willing, then start with the Good News.
God bless you in finding your life-long mate…
Do consider the Good News,
CHRIS
- End of Letter-
